You. New year’s eve. Down on your knees in the bathroom, forearms draped around the porcelain steering wheel as you retch into a place never intended for your face. The cacophonous drone of your drunk friends singing Auld Lang Syne somehow mocks your tragic state. Then, in a moment of lucidity you rise up and proclaim “for my new years resolutions THIS year, I’m going to get my sh*t together and make some serious changes!”
Yep, it’s that time of the year again when you reflect upon all the things you “were gonna do” the previous year….but didn’t. Funny isn’t it? Life always seems to get in the way while you’re making plans. So why should this year be any different?
I usually write health articles which give constructive ideas for better living, but I’ve also decided to turn a new leaf for 2013. Since the vast majority of good health advice goes in one ear and out the other, I’ve decided to just throw in the towel, go with the flow, and help you sabotage your new years resolutions in 10 quick and easy steps!
1) Try to change 100 things about yourself by the end of January
Most new years resolutions meet an untimely death because you try to overhaul your entire life virtually overnight. Willpower is part of the equation but it’s also a limited resource. The areas of the brain associated with willpower can be overloaded and short-circuited by trying to do too much at once. So forget about making one tiny change at a time. That takes far too long and, well, you’re far too important and busy to take the scenic route! Go ahead! Quit smoking, start eating bird seed and tofu, and run a marathon….all before noon tomorrow!
2) Flog your body
Following on from above, if a little is good, then a lot must be better. Spend three months salary on a gym membership, hire the most expensive trainer in the place, then ask to be flogged like a tourist spitting gum on a Singaporean sidewalk. When you’re done, reward yourself with a protein/alfalfa sprout/spirulina shake. You’ll feel GREAT for about 24 to 48 hours, after which delayed onset muscle soreness will leave you crippled and crawling around your house like a helpless infant. Depending on the severity of your pain, you may need to hire an around-the clock home nursing team to help with basic feeding and toileting needs. In the final coup de grâce, once you are physically able to climb unassisted onto the scale, you’ll notice you’ve gained weight due to eating chocolate cake and donuts while in your amputated state.
3) Wear slimming shorts
Screw exercise! It hurts and it takes too damn long! The solution? Buy some slimming shorts like they sell on hokey internet sites and those As Seen on TV infomercials. You will immediately notice a mild reduction in scale weight mainly localized to the anatomical region of your wallet. You will sweat…uncomfortably so…lots…where the sun don’t shine. For added effect, why not wear them to the gym on a hot day? When you remove your rubber shorts, you will notice a temporary alteration in your dimpled butt cheeks whereby you will mistakenly confuse water loss with fat loss. Once the rosy novelty wears off – due in part to that unfortunately located fungal infection – you will see that your fat measurements haven’t changed much at all.
4) Get a body wrap
Why not peel off your slimming shorts and slip into a body wrap at your local spa. They will promise you’ll lose inches off your thighs and hips, but conveniently neglect to mention that, like slimming shorts, the effect is only temporary. You’ll part ways with your hard earned cash and a few days later your junk will be right where you left it: jiggling in your trunk.
5) Read muscle comics
It’s true! Knowledge IS indeed power! If you’re going to fail miserably at something, make sure you do so in spectacular style by getting crap advice from crap reading material, that bastion of editorial integrity: muscle magazines. You know, the ones with all the ‘roided out body builders telling you which supplements you should take to get a 16-pack like them. Read all articles entitled “ten easy steps to [fill in the blank].” Follow all the steps to the letter. You will eventually crumble to the floor in despair once you realize those ten easy steps weren’t so easy after all – or resulted in no change. You will accept all responsibility for your failure to lose 100 pounds (45kg) in one week.
6) Lift 2 pound (1kg) weights
So you once read an article in some women’s magazine telling you to “use light weights for high reps” if you want to see your triceps emerge from their 30 year hibernation. That sounds perfect! Plus that, you didn’t want to build big manly herculean muscles anyway! Go ahead, do your 1000 reps per day while continuing to down cheeseburgers and 2 liter bottles of cola. Good luck with that.
7) Use TV Infomercial exercise gadgets
Infomercials! Ah yes, they promise you the world without any real effort! It must be true, otherwise they couldn’t say it on TV right? The more technojargon you hear, the better to confuse you and ensure you won’t reach your health goals. If you’re skeptical, then pay close attention to the weepy testimonials of satisfied users (they’re not really paid actors). Make sure you put a strip of duct tape across the bottom the your TV screen so you can’t read the fine print. After all, you don’t want to know your “individual results will vary” or that any meaningful results are actually due to the “reduced calorie diet and aerobic exercise regimen” included with the gadget.
8) Banish all carbohydrates from your diet
That old four-letter “C word” is so 90′s. Carb is the new “C word” of the millennium. Yep, you heard right! Go ahead and banish carbs into dietary purgatory for they are all evil and have absolutely no redeeming value whatsoever! Listen to diet book authors with no reputable nutrition training who tell you to avoid fruits and veggies! Do not eat bread, even if it’s wholemeal . It has carbs…CARBS I said! In fact, do not mention carbs! Do not look at carbs! Do NOT pass go and do not collect $200.
9) Overdose on protein
Let’s just lay it out on the table: protein sh*ts on carbohydrate any day of the week. If macronutrients were cage fighters, protein would kick carbohydrate’s ass. Protein is the spoiled dietary prince. Protein is cool. Protein wears dark sunglasses. Protein has an entourage. Protein gets chicks. Top THAT carbohydrate! Eat triple your body weight in protein just like they recommend in all those popular diet books, women’s magazines, or on morning TV shows. You will quickly lose a bit of weight up front, but this won’t last since it’s often comprised of glycogen, water weight, and diuresis (peeing a lot). Once your significant other stops kissing you because you’re in ketosis and your breath smells like ass, you will succumb to the sweet smell of sourdough bread emanating from the pantry.
10) Get a guru
Stop! Get a pair of Nikes, track pants, a jug of Kool-Aid, and a guru while you wait to board the passing comet. Make sure your health guru (or sensei or whatever) claims to know everything about nutrition or exercise yet holds absolutely no reputable qualifications in the health sciences. Believe his claims that he is a victim of the establishment, a modern day Galileo persecuted for being “too advanced and ahead of his time,” a maverick with the cure for cancer but big pharma is holding him down so they can continue to keep people sick and rake in billions. Deep down you know he’s blowing smoke up your ass – some people pay extra for that in Asian countries – but ignore all common sense and gut instincts. Resign yourself to the will of your health guru. Accept all advice at face value and never question his authority. It is the only path to true health nirvana.
11) Forget real food – eat supplements
Who has time to waste buying, preparing, and eating real food? Of course, if it was practical to inject food by continuous IV drip, you would! But you’re far too busy these days doing important things like posting a play-by-play on your morning bowel movement on Facebook or Twitter (with pictures). That’s what dietary supplements are for! Forget about real food! It’s all processed and bulging at the seams with carbs, gluten, and fat anyway. Just head down to your local “health food” store and drop a cool G on a week’s worth of vitamins, herbs, protein shakes, and some metabolism boosters and you should be good to go. After you fall below the poverty line, you won’t be able to afford real food anyway and will lose weight by default.
Right, I know. That was 11 quick easy ways to sabotage your new year’s resolutions. Somehow a title with a prime number just didn’t seem to work so I settled for the comparably more catchy 10. Right, so in the spirit of every Jerry Springer episode, here is where I speak in hushed tones and provide the level-headed moral to the story. Thing is, you really don’t need to read how-to articles on getting healthy. You already intuitively know you need to eat less, move more, and quit smoking – it’s common sense. So in order to truly benefit from the messages in this article, you need only do the exact opposite of everything I’ve written and you should be well on your way to a healthier you for 2013.